Friday, May 18, 2012

No title needed

Sometimes I just need to write when its not required of me. If I only write when I have to I begin to feel like its only ever going to be a chore. When you have to worry about form and content instead of just getting out something that's on your mind it starts to make everything cloudy. So today I write to just dump out whats on my mind. My last few weeks in Rexburg have made me think a lot about my options of what I'll be doing the next year. I wish I could get past the idea of next year and think about next 10 or 20. I don't know why that thought is so scary. I can't even get around to calling someone to ask if my major can be changed. So I don't know if I'll be graduating with an associates degree now or later. Apparently I have too many credits to just easily do a major change. They want a plan with a change. I've thought about switching to medical assisting. I will have to say...everything associated with that major sounds like something I would love to do with one exception: drawing blood. I'm honestly not sure I can do that. I'm not sure I can let people practice on me. Maybe its not the wisest choice for me. I'm still thinking about it.

I'm not sure how much longer I can balance the blessing of being here at BYUI against the annoyances. I realize its a great thing to be here, but I can't for the life me easily get over being around stupidity or immaturity in such large numbers. Its enough in my own personal life...then try to pull in at least 5000 extra cases. I'm too critical. I know. Tuesday is devotional day. I love to hear the speakers but I can't avoid the distractions. I've tried listening on the radio at home and I fell asleep. I did have one good experience, but this past Tuesday was just a super special experience. A married couple sat right in front of me and my friend. I don't know how to comprehend what happened next. The kid couldn't even separate himself long enough to fold his arms for the prayer. And shame on me, I can't even really remember the topic because I'd rather talk about their craziness. They were looking at each other the whole time and blowing in each others' ears and giggling and rubbing each others backs and head and shoulders and...ay yay yay. I looked around and there were some better behaved couples, but man. Baby steps, I'll try again next week. Hopefully I'll have better luck at finding a less distracting set of neighbors. Other things that have made me laugh is just hearing phone conversations sitting in a court yard. I have to think to myself. Does this girl not care if the rest of campus hears her talking about her new boyfriend and how they aren't ready to get married yet? Or does it never dawn on her that the seemingly secret things she is discussing with an obvious good friend might actually be in front of someone who knows him? Maybe it doesn't matter, but such personal conversations had in the wide open spaces of campus crack me up. I don't know how the rest of the community can deal with such crazy kids running around their town acting like crazy fools. A college campus is just a phenomenon wherever you go I'm sure. It's not so much a drinking problem here...but people do enough crazy other things to make up for the lack of alcohol involved.

Another thing I was going to mention was how I wanted to go to Ukraine to do a volunteer program. I got accepted for the fall. I just don't know where I would come up with $3000 in two weeks from now. (passport and paperwork is due June 1st) If I can't come up with the money I don't want to sign a contract saying that I WILL. Its a charitable donation that can be deducted from your taxes should anyone who is reading want to contribute to my cause :) It's a volunteer program to help teach English to kids in foreign countries through a specific method and volunteer/teacher play and interaction. (www.ilp.org) I would love to be able to go do that. It seems like a great opportunity to experience another country and get to make a difference in someone's life in the process. I've known a couple other people who have done it and they have only had good things to say. I have heard of another friend backing out last minute too. I can't imagine I would back out after making such a huge commitment. Especially because I really want to go. They did tell me that most of the other volunteers are much younger so if I was okay with that they would love to have me. I could handle younger girls and guys in smaller doses :) Its all high standard living. As if I was just living the BYU Idaho honor code but in another country. I had thought about selling my car to go, but then there is the whole issue of getting another car when I get back. And where am I going to be going back to too. I guess I really better get on this decision train here pretty soon.


Monday, May 7, 2012

Just Blahgging here...

I have heard a lot of people around campus say that they have gotten the assignment to write a blog. Why do I wish I was in that class. I write stuff for my English class and I honestly wonder if its really getting read. I'm not too hurt about it if its not being read, but I wish I had extra incentive to continue my blogging...or vloging for that matter. I think I would really love to sit and tell the stories of my life to a camera over writing them here. I know some people can hear my voice as I type, but not all can. If I could show my expression as well in word perhaps it wouldn't be as intimidating to me to just write out some of the stuff I've learned and the things I've gone through.
I went to dinner with a couple friends. One I know better than the other. So I decided to tell my history of being a student here in Idaho to the girl who didn't know me too well. I was giving dates and filling in cool/interesting stories every now and then. Some with more excitement and enthusiasm than others. I have no idea why I think its fun to tell some stories and not others. Like the time I was dared to take a picture of the kid that worked at the chiropractor (so I did) and later that summer I went to the temple with him and his friends. Why can I not even remember that kids last name right now. I even wrote him a few letters on his mission. Or the time I got a kid fired from a job on my first day working there. (that's a cool story for a good reason) My boss, who was the owner and my old Sunday school teacher, actually called and asked me how my first day went. Turns out I really didn't need to say anything. A prompting in the middle of the night woke him up and made him go to the place we were cleaning and he saw how the night went for us. As he tells it, they would've lost the cleaning contract if he hadn't woken up and gone to check our work. The kid leading me that night never did get to finish the week of work. Or there are the stories of the guys I've somehow gotten myself involved with. I don't know if I should be embarrassed or glad that I never did end up with any of them. Its not until I start telling stories that I realize that I have had quite the multicultural dating experience (online counts right?...for the sake of my stories it does) There was the Peruvian, the Brazilian, the Indian, the African, the Mexican.....those are some of the ways my stories start. The "crazy" is usually another descriptive word I use too. I should be more kind. The only truly clinically "crazy" one was the blind schizophrenic one from Idaho actually. I would never take back any lesson learned but some days why I chose to learn them the way I did. ay yay yay. My self worth and testimony were never challenged as much until I was actually dating. How do you not find out for yourself when someone you are around every day decides to try and convince you that your beliefs are false? I don't know if I'll ever really understand why opposition is so strong. I know we should welcome change but that inevitably means hard times will come. Just a few weeks ago I was up on cloud 9. I knew it would rain me out soon enough. I don't really mean for that to sound depressing or anything. Just that...its time for me to do hard things. I'm having some growing pains I guess. BYU Idaho is a great place. I get that. I like being here most days. I just don't think I have to fake like everyday is a great day. I have been blessed with a few great classmates and a few smiling friendly faces, but I've also been blessed to know what its like to feel alone in a huge crowd. Not a blessing I particularly asked for. I'm not really sure who is reading this, but I don't think it hurts for anyone to. I have to be up in a few hours...best be getting my beauty rest.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dare to Trust Yourself

Today I was forced to think about some of the reasons I really should dare to trust myself.
  • If I don't, who will?
  • It doesn't always matter what others think
  • I am the only one who knows the promptings I get
  • I'm the only one who knows what I think and feel
  • It helps me figure out who I am
  • I'd rather figure out who I am now and not 20 yrs from now
  • At the end of the day I'm the only one who has to live with me
  • So I can learn to stand alone
  • Not everyone will always agree with me
So much more I would like to say but where to begin.

I am taking 3 classes right now. English (creative writing class), Natural Disasters, American Foundations. I honestly think different things in each class are making or breaking it for me. But the people in the class play a big part. I always get so nervous about English classes and they turn out to be some of my best classes. Lots of reading, but its all good topics. I have learned a lot more than I would've expected to learn in my American Foundations class. Again, lots of reading. Perhaps I would learn more from Natural Disasters if I could get in to the reading. Tomorrow I'm going to a study group, maybe that will help. I think I have okay quality teachers in each of my classes....some I like better than others, but Its all good. The thing that I have found that's the cherry on top is the people I come in contact with in class. Some are better than others. I guess I have many weeks left to meet people still, but I have had some pretty positive experiences so far in meeting kind people. And I have had less than positive in some classes. People drive me crazy that just sit in class and play angry birds or text. My bad for sitting in the back. I want to remember this so I have to make a comment about my sitting in the back and the conversations I've had around that. One kid has been sitting next to me in one of my classes. He came to class one day and was so serious....He asked why it was that I sat so far in the back. He really really wants to sit up front, but doesn't want to leave me in the back alone. I think its that or he doesn't wanna be near that masses of girls that are flirting with the other boys in class. Who knows....either way. I'll take it. He can sit next to me and listen to my ranting in class.